Ran across a term recently–“weaponized incompetence”.

According to Psychology Today, “Weaponized incompetence, also called strategic incompetence, is when someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, thereby leading others to take on more work. This generally occurs in two domains—in the household, between partners, and at work, between colleagues.”

Gotta say, I do prefer the term strategic incompetence over weaponized, but at the end of the day it shakes out to the same thing–annoying.

I don’t know if you have ever run across this phenomenon, but I have. I also will admit to having used it–it’s embarrassing, but it happened.

The first time, I was all of 4 or 5 years old and I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that my mom was very ill and my aunts and uncles were admonishing me to “be more help around the house to your poor mother because she might die,” and my brain translated that into “if I can’t do something so my mom has to do it for me, then she can’t die because she has a purpose to stay alive.” Children’s brains work in weird ways when it comes to logic. So it annoyed the crap out of my mom, but I did the very minimum of helping out around the house when it came to dishes and dusting and whatnot. Guess what–she’s about to turn 78 and she can still run circles around me as long as she doesn’t break her ankle in 4 places again. We know now that she has a mitral valve prolapse and her heart likes to tap out a rhythm that isn’t conducive to filling a person full of verve and vigor, so she spent the majority of my childhood napping or visiting the local hospital until they got her sorted out. When I hit my teen years and she was lying in a hospital bed in traction for a pinched nerve, I would pick up the slack and do dishes and laundry as long as no one thanked me for it–in the spirit of the brownies I read about in fairy tales, I was doing what needed to be done, not for the praise. Praise still grates on my nerves when I do something that simply needs to be done.

The next time I deliberately feigned incompetence will be familiar to many a reader–the old “Oh, poor helpless little ol’ me can’t possibly do this and needs a big strong someone to save me” to make a love interest feel needed. Sometimes I legitimately can’t do something–if it involves brute strength or climbing heights, count me out. But I can assemble furniture, hang pictures, etc. If I can find a YouTube tutorial, I can swap out simple headlights and taillights on cars. I tried to not seem too competent when I first married my second husband because my first husband had an inferiority complex bigger than Texas, so I asked him to replace a magnetic catch on a cabinet door. 3 hours later he was cussing and sweating and briefly left to get a different screwdriver. I deftly screwed in the 2 screws, and when he returned 5 minutes later, I told him he had gotten them started with the holes he made and I was able to make it work. Lesson learned–if it involves tools, I will just do it myself in this marriage or hire it out to professionals.

It annoys me when I recognize that someone is deliberately claiming incompetence so I will just do something myself. It’s a normal developmental stage in children when they fall to the ground in frustration and wail that they can’t possibly do XYZ themselves the first time they encounter a task. I can deal with that. It just takes patience and encouragement and demonstration and practice to build their confidence and muscle memory. But when a 40+ year old claims they can’t possibly call the doctor and set up their own appointment or find their way to an office in a town with all of 20 streets, I call bullshit. Oh, you’re busy? Me, too. You don’t know where it is? Here’s a map, or better yet, the Google Maps app on your phone that shouts directions as you drive. You were able to walk in to the gym and set yourself up a membership but now you don’t know how to get it canceled? Walk yourself right back into the gym and up to the membership desk and they will help you with that. You don’t want to because you are embarrassed? Not my problem.

Do I always call people out on their BS when they claim incompetence? No. Sometimes I have nothing better to do. Sometimes it’s faster if I just do it myself so I can get on with my day. Sometimes I counter by claiming it’s going to take me hours so I can do it in about 30 seconds and then be left in peace for hours so they don’t disturb me when I’m “busy”. Maybe I need to get a shirt that says “do not disturb” and wear it when I am just not feeling it. Oh yeah, I can make my own t-shirt transfers, so I don’t need to farm that task out to anyone but myself.

Cheers to being a strong, independent person–we might be exhausted, but by God, we got ourselves into it and we will get ourselves out of it.